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White Flag Faith

October 7, 2009


White Flag Faith

The waving  of a white flag is the universal sign for surrender. After over two years of chronic pain, four steroid cocktails shot into my vertebrae and three rounds of physical therapy,  my little white flag is waving like a handkerchief in a hurricane. It has been a “war vs. will” fight for me. Most of the time I could will myself mentally (and with  pain pills) through the toughest spots then, one day,  it was  simply too much. Super short temper, change in personality and a longing for bedtime as soon as I awoke in the morning, signaled  that my life had stopped being livable.

We found a surgeon through the recommendation of a friend who became our second opinion guy. He had a beautiful bedside manner, a keen knowledge of the spine and a peaceful way of explaining his craft.  So I signed up for neck surgery.

 Now, we countdown to the big day.  On Oct. 19, the doctor will make a small incision in the front of my neck, move my voice box over and tunnel down to the discs, removing one that is dead and fuse another. I opted not to read all the paperwork on the downside possibilities. I think lots about my family;  this situation seems to have evoked a keen focus on what is truly important,  an interesting change from my normal hummingbird head self. I understand this is not cancer, no one has given me three months to live,  but fear still frosts my thoughts when allowed. 

When one signs medical directives, living wills,  and hands daily task lists to friends and family it feels like an out of body experience. This is where faith arrives. It is a bit like boarding an airplane. You are in the middle seat of a crowded jet, and the taxi down the runway begins. Do you run to the cockpit and see if the pilot has his license? No, you follow the flight attendants instructions, get out your reading materials and trust. Faith and trust is my current flight pattern, love is what I am feeling from so many offering to help. Please ride with me as I blog my way through the process of, eventually,  living pain free.

  On the bright side my Halloween costume is decided, I will be sporting a decorated neck collar wearing chic lounge wear. 



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